(no subject)

So check it out...this might be my new kitty

isn't she precious?  this girl i knew in high school randomly stopped by my house tonite and asked if we wanted a cat because she has 6 cats already. my sister and i said that we would take it. that would be awesome if i could take her to my studio in santa cruz, pending the approval of my new landlord...let's hope she says yes!  anyway, i am thinking of naming her Autumn....

  • Current Music
    John Butler Trio

(no subject)

do you ever have days when you realize that your entire life is a complete mess?  For no explainable reason, I have been extremely late to work twice and I have no excuses, except that I have no excuses.  I feel like my life is going nowhere at times.  Im just sitting here at my computer, which i do all the time and i am watching Sex and the City, which i rented....haha

I am shrooming and i feel really vulnerable right now because i am alone, and i knew i would feel this way...its one of those nights when you examine your life and wonder about everything you have done, will do.....

sometimes i feel like i will never get there...the place that i want to do i get there? 
i feel invisible, vague..

how do i explain my reasons for being so irresponsible at work?  its just been eating away at me that i have no explanation.  now i have to face reality, real consequences.....REAL LIFE!!

when do i grow up?  when?  fuck life!  fuck it all

i am tired of not being sure of anything...i am so chaotic, my life is so chaotic.  i am too attached to my parents and my life feels like shit!  i am nothing but shit.


  • Current Mood
    sick shitty...hahaha

(no subject)

How could anybody abuse a baby!!  I despise any nanny that would do that to an innocent child!  All parents please look out for your children.  Thanks Dr. Phil! 
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

(no subject)

I cried today, it felt really good because it was a good cry and a bad cry. I cried while I was watching Dead Poets Society, I love that movie. I cried tears of joy and tears of frustration. When I was watching the movie, I felt like I was part of the movie and that I actually felt what the characters were feeling, and I also cried cuz of personal things going on in my life, things that reflected feelings felt in the movie.

I am traveling to a crossroad right now and I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I want to continue going down the same path that I am on right now, and it's hard trying to figure out whether what I am doing is something that I want to keep on pursuing, or if I want to try something new.

There is a huge void in my life and nothing can help it...I don't know what to do
  • Current Music
    Tangerine Dream

(no subject)

My parents are freaking retarded. 

So a few months ago, they decided to become foster parents for the humane society, to foster baby kittens until they are ready for adoption.  Well since then, the house always stinks like cat shit, well the garage does mostly, cuz that's where their cage is, and they let the cats hang around in the bathroom so they have somewhere bigger to hang out, and then the bathroom smells like cat shit.  I have taken my stuff out of the main bathroom for the most part and use my parent's bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. 

Now, I get waken up at 9am, to sounds of hammers and shit in the house.  I'm like WTF is going on?  Did my parents get the entertainment center they had been talking about?  Nope, they are putting up a door in the kitchen so the cats can run around.  When we moved into this house there were hinges in the door way that leads to the kitchen, cuz apparently there was a door there.  Now there is one again.  I mean it's all great that they want to help out and foster kittens until they are big enough and healthy enough to be adopted, but do you seriously have to alter your freaking house for them?  I  don't want to sound like a selfish bitch, but it's really annoying living in a house that reeks of cat shit and now I dont' know where else the kittens are gonna hang out, but I am kinda sick of not being able to use my bathroom because they are in there, and now I don't know where else I am going to have to be cautious about....bleh........

  • Current Music
    Modest Mouse

One Day, I'll Be A Minstrel In The Gallery

Baker Street Muse

Windy bus-stop. Click. Shop-window. Heel.
Shady gentleman. Fly-button. Feel.
In the underpass, the blind man stands.
With cold flute hands.
Symphony match-seller, breath out of time.
You can call me on another line

Indian restaurants that curry my brain.
Newspaper warriors changing the names they advertise from the station stand.
With cold print hands.
Symphony word-player, I'll be your headline.
If you catch me another time.

Didn't make her
with my Baker Street Ruse.
Couldn't shake her
with my Baker Street Bruise.
Like to take her
but I'm just a Baker Street Muse.

Ale-spew, puddle-brew
boys, throw it up clean.
Coke and Bacardi colours them green.
From the typing pool goes the mini-skirted princess with great finesse.
Fertile earth-mother, your burial mound is fifty feet down in the Baker Street underground. (What the hell!)
Walking down the gutter thinking,
``How the hell am I today?''
Well, I didn't really ask you but thanks all the same.

Pig-Me And The Whore

``Big bottled Fraulein, put your weight on me,'' said the pig-me to the whore,
desperate for more in his assault upon the mountain.
Little man, his youth a fountain.
Overdrafted and still counting.
Vernacular, verbose; an attempt at getting close to where he came from.
In the doorway of the stars, between Blandford Street and Mars;
Proposition, deal. Flying button feel. Testicle testing.
Wallet ever-bulging. Dressed to the left, divulging the wrinkles of his years.
Wedding-bell induced fears.
Shedding bell-end tears in the pocket of her resistance.
International assistance flowing generous and full to his never-ready tool.
Pulls his eyes over her wool.
And he shudders as he comes.
And my rudder slowly turns me into the Marylebone Road.

Crash-Barrier Waltzer

And here slip I
dragging one foot in the gutter
in the midnight echo of the shop that sells cheap radios.
And there sits she
no bed, no bread, no butter
on a double yellow line
where she can park anytime.
Old Lady Grey; crash-barrier waltzer
some only son's mother. Baker Street casualty.
Oh, Mr. Policeman
blue shirt ballet master.
Feet in sticking plaster
move the old lady on.
Strange pas-de-deux
his Romeo to her Juliet.
Her sleeping draught, his poisoned regret.
No drunken bums allowed to sleep here in the crowded emptiness.
Oh officer, let me send her to a cheap hotel
I'll pay the bill and make her well - like hell you bloody will!
No do-good over kill. We must teach them to be still more independent.

Mother England Reverie

I have no time for Time Magazine or Rolling Stone.
I have no wish for wishing wells or wishing bones.
I have no house in the country I have no motor car.
And if you think I'm joking, then I'm just a one-line joker in a public bar.
And it seems there's no-body left for tennis; and I'm a one-band-man.
And I want no Top Twenty funeral or a hundred grand.

There was a little boy stood on a burning log,
rubbing his hands with glee.  He said, ``Oh Mother England,
did you light my smile; or did you light this fire under me?
One day I'll be a minstrel in the gallery.
And paint you a picture of the queen.
And if sometimes I sing to a cynical degree
it's just the nonsense that it seems.''

So I drift down through the Baker Street valley,
in my steep-sided un-reality.
And when all is said and all is done
I couldn't wish for a better one.
It's a real-life ripe dead certainty
that I'm just a Baker Street Muse.

Talking to the gutter-stinking, winking in the same old way.
I tried to catch my eye but I looked the other way.

Indian restaurants that curry my brain
newspaper warriors changing the names they advertise from the station stand.
Circumcised with cold print hands.

Windy bus-stop. Click. Shop-window. Heel.
Shady gentleman. Fly-button. Feel.
In the underpass, the blind man stands.
With cold flute hands.
Symphony match-seller, breath out of time
you can call me on another line.

Didn't make her
with my Baker Street Ruse.
Couldn't shake her
with my Baker Street Bruise.
Like to take her
but I'm just a Baker Street Muse.

(I can't get out!)

  • Current Music
    Jethro Tull


garsh, it just turned 8am and I don't have school for another 3 hours.  When Paul woke up this morning, I woke up right with him and couldn't get back to sleep.  That's ok though, I'll just fart around for a few hours, even though I guess I am a little tired.

God damn George Bush is a fucking loser!  The stupid Rep. Convention was such bullshit!  He better not get re-elected or I am gonna shoot myself.  What has this country come to??  Anyway, today is Biology and Sociology, I am probably gonna sleep in between my classes since I have an hour and a half in between them, woohoo, nap time suckas!!!  Tomorrow is gonna be long though, I have classes til 2pm, then it's volunteer for 3 hours and then I have to go work for another 4-5 hours, then a lot of sleep!!!!


  • Current Music
    Mountain Bus

humm dee dummmm

wow let's see, there is a lot to update on.

um, I started my volunteer work at Santa Teresa, took forever dammit!!, but it's cool I guess.  I get to discharge patients and work with a bunch of old people who are really nice.  I feel good when I go there because I feel like I am somewhat appreciated for volunteering my time.  It was really funny though, one of the lady volunteers asked me about my hair and was a bit curious about how I did it.  She said I was such a pretty girl but didn't know what to think about my hair.  heehee

I start school on Weds.  that should be fun.  I love school and I am really excited about my class.  I start with my Conservation of Our Natural Resources" class, that one seems awesome since I am really trying to be more environmentally conscious.  Then it's off to my Sociology class of American Race Relations.  That one doesn't sound as great but I like the teacher and it's a requirement for my A.A.  Tues/Thurs should be good cuz I have Mr. C. for Social and Political Philosophy...woo, I am looking forward to that class the most cuz Mr. C. rocks and the subject matter is really interesting. 

Mom and dad come back tomorrow, that will be wierd.  It's kinda nice not having them around but it seems as though something is missing.  It was really annoying that before they left mom had to write out instructions on how to take care of the house and feed the dog.  She wrote everything out like we didn't even live here and we were just some people housesitting for a couple days. Whatever, she is just a crazy mother. 

I am reading Joseph Campbell right now.   He describes a lot about mythology of ancient peoples and it's interesting to hear about history.  I wish I got to see more of his interview with Bill Moyers on PBS but everytime I turned it on, it was at the same part.  Oh well, I guess I was just meant to see the last 10 minutes and thats all.

Napoleon Dynamite is a wierd movie.  Ryan Smith talks just like him, it was uncanny. 

I wish I made my livejournals more interesting and poetic.  I guess I am a boring writer.  I need to stop wishing and just be myself, and do the things I want to do.  I called Jocelyn tonite and Britney was there.  We talked it was cool.  I would have hung out with them but all my clothes were in the washer and I didn't really feel like hangin with a bunch of stoners, even though they were gonna go see SnoCone and I haven't seen her in a while, but we were never really too good of friends to begin with, although I did like her a lot.  But it just seems as though I don't really have anything in common with those people anymore,  I am not a stoner and I don't have that mentality anymore.  I strive for education and intellegent conversation.  That makes me miss Angela.  We always have so much fun together and she loves to talk.  She's probably callin me right now but I am online :(

I am going to start writing poetry, I think that will be good for me.  I need to express my thoughts more and do it in a more creative style than what I am used to doing.  I need to read more Bukowski, the only book of his that I have, I like that one a lot, even though it is not mine.  mmm, the smell of lemons on my hands....

wow, darryl is coming over. we gonna watch some jim henson videos.  cool


  • Current Music
    Sweet Smoke-Live

(no subject)

Wouldn't it be nice to have a sibling that you could actually get along with?

I wish my sister and I got along sometimes, but knowing the kind of person that she is, I am glad that we do not get along and that we are not friends.  If she were a different person, it would be different.  She's just a crackhead with no common sense.  Bleh....

I wish I were an only child, seriously, it would be so much better.  I wouldn't have to deal with all of her bullshit.  Sometimes I would love to tell her how much I don't like her and I want to hit and kick her because she is so annoying,  but that would not be nice and I have to calm myself down by realizing that she is not worth anything. 

I don't want to have anything to do with her.  Like her birthday or Christmas (well Christmas doesn't mean anything to me anyway) or wedding or even niece or nephews.  She is one person I hope would not breed anyway.  On the other hand, I don't want to separate myself from my family, and I feel that by making a big deal out of things like that, I might end up doing some family damage.  Why can't she just move away and be gone forever and we can all just forget about her?

Anyway, have a good night and um, I am going to keep this journal open, but I think I want to start using my other one  if anyone is interested.  Here is the name, feel free to add me to your list for I will do the same..peace 

  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky